Why Suffering Isn’t About Your Experience

I want to start by trying something a bit risky with you. But it’ll only work if you follow my one rule.

Whatever you do, do not think of a tiger.

And now… what’s the first thing on your mind?

Of course, it’s a tiger.

It’s funny, isn’t it? The harder we try not to think of it, the more it seems to take over.

Why?

Because the act of resistance, meaning to what degree we attempt to not have not have the thought, actually reinforces it.

It’s as though your mind sees resistance as proof that the thought is a problem, and it responds by throwing everything it’s got at solving this imaginary danger.

This is a microcosm of suffering.

The Formula for Suffering

I want to introduce an idea to you. This idea is a formula for suffering.

Suffering = Experience x Resistance

This formula helps us to understand that the source of suffering isn’t an experience itself. It’s the resistance to that experience.

Let me explain.

Defining Suffering

When I talk about suffering, I’m not referring to feelings like sadness, anger, or fear in their appropriate contexts. If we lose a loved one, sadness is natural. If someone harms us, anger is a valid response. These emotions, when experienced as part of life, are not suffering.

Suffering is when these feelings become misplaced, when they persist outside their natural context. It’s what happens when sadness becomes depression, when anger becomes unchecked rage, or when fear becomes chronic anxiety.

This is where resistance comes in.

Resistance is your mind’s attempt to avoid or control an experience. It can take the form of pushing something away or clinging too tightly to something pleasant, out of fear it might slip away.

In recent years, this formula has evolved. Its original incarnation was…

suffering = pain x resistance

But we can see how this isn’t entirely accurate.

The proof is weirdly in how people will seem to suffer any experience.

Poverty - Wealth.

Being single - Being married.

Not having children - Having them.

Equally people will also not suffer these any things.

There is no experience that contains inherent suffering. So what is its true source…. Resistance.

Now remember, resistance is both push and pull. We can push away unpleasant experiences and hold on too tight to pleasant ones. Equally we can resist love and joy and hold on to pain and anger.

Either way, it’s the resistance that creates suffering.

The Cycle of Resistance

Let’s revisit the tiger thought experiment.

When you try not to think of a tiger, one part of your mind focuses on avoiding the thought. But another part of your mind notices this effort and assumes there’s a good reason for it - maybe the tiger is dangerous.

So, it raises the alarm. It releases stress hormones to prepare your body for this imaginary threat. Now, you feel those physiological responses - tension, unease, maybe even panic - and your mind concludes that the tiger must be a problem.

This reinforces the cycle: resistance - stress - fear - more resistance.

But what happens if you let go of resistance?

If the thought of a tiger arises and you simply allow it to exist, without pushing it away or clinging to it, it loses its power. Your mind no longer interprets it as a threat. The stress response fades, and the cycle is broken.

This isn’t just about tigers. It’s true of any experience: sadness, anger, joy, or fear.

Letting Go of Resistance

Here’s the good news: you don’t need to fix your experiences to stop suffering. You only need to let go of resistance.

This doesn’t mean ignoring your emotions or pretending everything is fine. It means recognising that your thoughts and feelings are just stories your mind is telling you. When you see them for what they are - constructs of the mind - they stop feeling like problems.

A mentor of mine always says: We often know what we’re thinking, but rarely do we know that we’re thinking.

The key to letting go of resistance is learning to see your thoughts and emotions as they arise and dissolve, without judgment or attachment.

If this resonates with you, and you’d like to explore how to let go of resistance in your own life, I’d love to help.

Book a free consultation today, and we’ll explore practical ways to help you let go of resistance and experience freedom from unnecessary suffering.